Ten Months..

Thursdays. Yeah.

The thing about Thursdays is that I spend a lot of time on my own. After I drop Elliot off, I go out with the Knitters, then I come home, and my house is strangely empty. I shush the dog so he won't wake the baby, who, really, isn't a baby anymore, and even if he were, he isn't here.

Two weeks before Karl died, I asked mom for a favor. I asked her to watch Elliot on Thursdays so Karl and I could have a "Date Night." We were working somewhat opposite schedules, and when we did see each other, we often played pass the baby, that game new parents play where each is certain they are the more exhausted partner, and really it's not my turn.

So Thursdays were going to be our night, and now not a Thursday goes by that I'm not with him, in some way.

Tonight, during my alone time, I thought about how strange grief is. I'm so deeply sad, but not as much for Karl as for myself. I know he was happier than I'd known him those last few weeks. I know he was hopeful, and whatever he suffered, it was brief. I know that wherever he is now, he is not suffering.

But I know we are. And it's not so much that Karl will miss seeing Elliot's birthdays, or celebrating our anniversaries, or being with family at Christmas, as that we will always miss him. It's so devastating, knowing who he was, and how much he loved us, that he's not here with us, and we feel his absence fiercely, acutely, daily.

So maybe we are a little selfish to be sad for ourselves, because it's not what he would want. He would want us to live whole lives, he would want us to embrace each other, and laugh, and share, and love.

When Karl died, Elliot was 10 months old. Sometimes I forget that he was, then, really just a baby. Tonight I had to look at pictures, to remember where we were at, who Elliot was... This was one of the last photos of them together:
We don't get over it, this loss, but that doesn't mean we can't keep moving. I try to make my decisions now not based on what Karl would want if he were here, but on what he would want because he isn't. I believe he would want two things above all:those being for Elliot to thrive and grow, and for all of us to smile.

As we move into my own little season of remembrance, I embrace the idea that I can encourage both, and will make every effort to do so.

Happy Thursday.