Explaining this trip to Elliot...

Tonight I tried to tell Elliot about going to Florida. I'll be gone a week. Don't get any ideas, you crafty internet thieves - I have a house sitter.

I didn't know how to talk to him about the trip at all. Then he saw me packing the suitcase, and (clever boy) said "Go bye bye on airplane?" He's been on enough trips to recognize the baggage.

I had to tell him that Mommy was going bye bye on the airplane, and baby was staying with Grandma. This was not met with the usual, "No, Thank You." but instead with, "No, Mommy." He kept telling me "Baby go bye bye on airplane." I don't think it's really sunk in, and tomorrow could be a little ugly. I'm glad we talked about it tho, and that he understood, even if he didn't like it.

Of course, my heart is breaking because I want him with me, and he wants to come with me, but I know the best thing for both of us is for him to stay here. We'll be doing planning and running around, and he would not enjoy that much time on good behavior. There will likely be late nights and big crowds, and if I have to constantly worry about what he's getting in to I'll never be able to relax. More fun for both of us if he's with Grandma, and I think it's good for both of us to know we can survive a little time apart.

As I was telling him that he could call me, and we could talk on the computer, he said "Movie?" like mommy would be in a movie he could watch. This made me suddenly terrified - what if something happened? That was how I spent so much of the first few months after Karl died - watching and rewatching home movies of him, the only way I could see and hear him. How horrible would it be if I didn't come back, and that was all he had of me? Especially since I still watch more videos than I shoot.

I know it's an irrational fear I'm facing, and that the chances of anything happening to me on the trip are most likely less that me driving on Hwy 40 any day of the week. But still, I have to take a minute to record, in writing if not in voice, how desperately I love my son, and how much I hope he always knows it. If I don't come back (which I WILL, by the way) you all better tell him every day that he meant, and means, the world.

And I will try not to cry at the airport, at least not while he is watching.