The Goose is getting Fat?

I've been working for several weeks on my first written knitting pattern. I'm pretty excited about it, although it isn't quite finished yet. It's a beaded scarf/shawl pattern based on the Taj Mahal. So far, I'm very happy with it, which is extremely rare for me. I hope to sell the pattern online and donate proceeds to the Liz Logelin Foundation. We'll see how it goes.

Oh, right, and Christmas is coming, kinda like a freight train. We had Wednesday Knit Night this week, because xmas eve is no time for being out in the world. All evening I felt like I was sort of in a daze. Driving out to west county in the rain can do that to you, I guess, but this was very strange. It was like I was watching a movie of myself, and I could tell something big was about to happen. If there'd been a soundtrack, it would have been building to a crescendo... but then, I went out, I knitted, I came home. The earth didn't move, at least not any more than usual. No shattering, nothing Big.

Lately I'm reverting to my college sleep schedule, which isn't so healthy when there's a toddler depending on me. But I just can't seem to put myself in bed before midnight, and sometimes not till much later. So here I am, awake.

Yep.

The thing about the drive home tonight was that I really missed Karl. And I hated that here it was almost Christmas, and he wasn't beside me in the car, and we weren't out shopping for cool stuff to give Elliot. Last year was harder. Last year I shopped a lot, and kept finding perfect presents for Karl, only he wasn't there, so I couldn't get them. This year - I don't know, is it easier? Is that what this is? I think about him and I feel so distant and numb, but at the same time so acutely and distinctly torn up, and present.

And it sucks.

I've tried to DO Christmas. Karl loved it, and honestly I've enjoyed decorating, and baking, and lighting candles and shopping... but every time I hear that "All I Want for Christmas is You" song, cheesy tho it is, I just want to cry.

ramble, babble, blah blah blah.

And these are my delay tactics, keeping me away from much needed sleep. recognizing this, I now intend to shut down the computer and find a less obvious escape mechanism. g'night.