Taking Pause

Tonight Elliot went to bed early, and I found myself with a few free hours. Instead of cleaning or being productive, I decided to catch up on some television.

I love Hulu. The short breaks are great, because I don't like waiting to see what happens next. When I read, I tend to go cover to cover, no matter if I like the book or not, I can't stop. It's just not how my brain works. It's a kind of tunnel vision...

Tonight, tho, Hulu wasn't satisfying my need for instant gratification. The connection wasn't good, and I kept having to pause and let the buffer catch up. It reminded me a lot of watching movies with Karl, and I wondered if maybe he was somewhere tampering with the signals, just to watch me cringe.

We'd put in a movie, and ten or fifteen minutes in, he'd hit the pause. Not because he needed anything - not to make another drink or go to the bathroom. Not to ask about what just happened. Not for any reason I could understand other than that it drove me up the wall. He'd go on about how nice it was to just pause sometimes - like commercial breaks on the old movie of the week growing up. "But it's a DVD," I'd protest, "The director and editors spent all this time working on the pace of the movie, fine tuning just how long each scene should be.... can't we just watch it?" And he'd hit play, and let it go another few minutes, and then maybe he would need another drink...

They say when you lose somebody you love, you miss everything about them - even the things that once drove you nuts. I think they are full of crap. Those things that annoyed me - the ones he still seems able to manifest somehow, they do make me nostalgic. They do make me think of him, and remember how much I loved him despite the pauses.

But seriously, Karl, cut it out. Stick with making the flowers bloom - that reminds me of you too, in a much better way.