Finding Myself

It wasn't that long ago that I was a completely different person. I wasn't somebody's mother, and I'd never been anybody's wife. I had lots of ideas about different directions I might want to take my life - extended travels, artistic endeavors, goals, dreams - all that stuff.

When people talk about the formative years of life, often they are referring to youth; in the teenage and young adult years we become the people we will be for the rest of our lives. That's the theory, anyway...

For me, looking back as long as I can remember I knew who I was. I didn't always know the details about what I would do next, big picture or little picture, but I felt solid in myself. Despite rarely being in relationships and often being out of touch with friends, I never felt like there was a hole in my life.

Then, just before I turned 30, I met Karl. In 3 short, incredibly formative years, I became a completely different person. I still had the same confidence, the same foundation, but I was more than who I had been. I had a husband and a child - I had become part of somebody else, and also put a little part of myself out into the world.

Then, of course, everything changed.

Now, for the first time, I find myself not just missing Karl, but missing being in a relationship. I'm also struggling to find ways to be more social - I didn't just lose Karl, but also his constant social events. Where once a weekend wouldn't go by without us seeing some of "The Gang," now weeks will pass with only phone calls now and then.

I'm not lonely, exactly. I have the best company in the world in Elliot, who's more and more charming with every new phrase. I'm just not quite who I want to be right now. I'm alone too much, and the ways I'm trying to change that (joining the Y, training for the 5K, spending more time at the studio) aren't really filling the gap.

I used to think when people weren't happy outside of a relationship it was because they didn't like themselves enough. Now I know that's crap. While it might be true for some people, I like myself plenty, and right now my single status is starting to grate.

So.

I don't know what there is to gain by putting it out there, but there it is. There's this darkness inside me, the inky fear that I'll never find anybody to share this amazing life with. The fear that nobody will understand me, that nobody will want me.

Perhaps it is better to have loved and lost (certainly if it results in somebody as amazing as my son!) but it's not just love that is lost, but also, I don't know how to put it... faith? hope? Neither is right, because I have both, but there's another thing - something related to those two, and it's tarnished inside me. It used to glow so bright I didn't even know it was there... now it's pale, dim, flickering..

Here I am tonight, looking for me. Looking specifically for the part of me that was the whole me, back before I was blended and torn, woven and frayed... loved, and lost.