Friday, January 22, 2010

Not broke down, but on the verge...

I'm not sleeping well again.

The vivid emotional dreams, the inability to stop what i'm doing and just GO TO BED, the early mornings with the dog whining and the cat scratching the carpet and elliot demanding milk... it's wearing me down.

The past three days I've been exhausted. I've woken up feeling like I didn't sleep more than an hour, and it couldn't possibly be morning.

Then, about an hour ago, elliot was standing in the hall whining, and waddling in mid-pee pose. I rushed over, trying to stay positive, "It's ok! It's just pee-pee. Let's go to the potty!" He cooperated and waddled in to the bathroom. It wasn't till I had his pants half way down, and he was about to drop onto the potty that I realized it wasn't pee.

It was very liquid poo, and it was everywhere.

There was no way for me to stop him from sitting, and he started to cry when he saw me react to the crap all over everything, but I took a shallow breath (it stank - a deep breath may have knocked me out) and told him it was ok, and mommy would clean it up. "Just sit there - it's an accident. It's ok. Shhhh." I kept saying it over and over, telling myself as much as him.

Making matters worse, the dog really wanted to help with the cleanup, and I kept shoving him out of the bathroom with my foot. He licks elliot's face - he should not lick the other end too.

An entire pack of baby wipes and half a can of disinfecting wipes later, things were (mostly) clean.

I got elliot dressed for bed, and we went it to the living room, where he decided to pick up the 8X10 family photo I have on the piano. It's in a cheap glass frame, and I was worried he'd break it, so I told him to put it down. He wouldn't. I took it away and put it back in it's place.

He picked it back up, and I told him no again. He put it down, but on the bench. This just made me mad. I put it back in it's place again.

Of course, he went to pick it up a third time. This is where my brain quit working. I got in his face - right up close, and I yelled at him. Loud.

I heard myself do it. It was awful. It's a stupid picture, who cared if it's on the piano of not, as long as he's not waving it around?? WTF, jes? I don't yell. I bark now and then to get his attention, but I don't yell at him.

So I put him in the bedroom with a movie and came in here and cried, and now I'm going to go make dinner. And please please please let me sleep tonight.

2 comments:

Gabe said...

I think we have all had days like this as parents. And those days SUCK. But thank God, a day only lasts so long! Hang in there! We love you!

Jen said...

Oh honey. I have been there, oh, and my heart hurts for you.

We really do need to get together, even if all we do together is sit and cry. <3