The Count

I think in the past few years I've been to more weddings than I have friends. I'm not sure it's possible, but I'm also sure it might be true.

I've been trying to put them on a time line in my head tonight.

Karl, Elliot, and I went to:
Jon and Bridgett
Vick and Randy

Elliot and I went to:
Justin and Kristy*
Bethany and Brian
Johnathan and Jennibet
Jim and Anna*
Kelly and Jeff (me only)*
Vanessa and Matt (reception only)
Erica and Nick*
Angelica and Justin*

and tonight, Scott and Brandy*.

I tell you this because weddings are kind of emotionally charged for me, and in 3 years I haven't had much time off from them. 11 weddings in 3 years, 9 since Karl died. And I don't think I've made it through one without crying. Those with * I worked in some capacity - photographer, wedding party, or wrangling Elliot into a wedding party :)

The emotions are complicated, because joy mixes with sorrow, and all the encouraging things I want to say seem like they may twist into downers; Cherish each other because you just don't know when that 'till death may us part' might sneak up and bite you in the ass? Love each other and forgive each other, and be grateful for another person who wants to be with you, because you forget how hard it is to find that person. It's the same advice any married couple might give, but from me, widowed, it feels so gloomy.

On a side note, my hat goes off to all the single parents out there. Wrangling my son through putting on a tux and serving as a ring bearer in a wedding challenged my patience as well as my biceps. Lugging a kid, a camera, toys, treats, juice, and a gps around today, I felt a little like I was planning to invade a small country, not just attend my brother's wedding.

The point where I had a football, ring pillow, slr camera, purse, and tux jacket in my hands, and he looked up and said "Hold me, please, mommy." for a minute I felt so helpless. I had a block to go to the car, and I didn't know if we'd actually make it. At that moment I missed Karl more than ever, and sent out a little wave of appreciation and encouragement to all the other singles out there doing this alone.

Then I packed the camera in my purse, secured between the plush football and pillow. I tucked Elliot's jacket through the straps, hitched it over my shoulder, and lifted him on my other arm.

We made it to the car, and I made it through the day, through joy and sorrow, hope and frustration.

I'm ready for a little sleep, and watching the mailbox for the next save-the-date. I may just about have these things figured out.