Not another person

I don't know how to say what's in my head. There's this awful glob up there, it's made up of a lof of fears... Usually I'm all right at combating it, or at least containing it, but tonight it's got me all worked up.

And the thing that sucks is it's not something I can work through myself, but not something I can find words to talk about, either. I mean, not in a way that would make a midnight call to a friend make any sense at all.

So I sit here staring at the screen, which is decidedly not another person, certainly doesn't "get it," and has no answers. And I feel compelled to reassure you that I'm fine, because I don't want you to worry - not you, the computer, but you, the reader. I don't want to burden you, but I don't have the energy tonight to find inspiration on the fringes of the chaos.

Tonight I'm just seeing the chaos. It's wordless and whirling, and what if it's always like this? What if it's always me and a computer screen, and not another person? I know I'm strong, but still I'm scared.

It's not supposed to be easier, yet. That's what everybody said. And of course, they've been there, and described the way. The second year is harder, they said. The second year is real.

I was looking at maps today, wondering how long I could just drive, stopping here or there to connect with old friends, but it's no way for a toddler to live. Crashing on this couch or in that spare room, a day or two, then in the car for 9 hours... no, not a real possibility.

But I'm restless, here. I feel, at the same time, inspired and trapped. It's part of the chaos - I can't really explain it.

The past few days there's been a line from a movie stuck in my head. Don't ask me the line - I don't know it. Or what it's from. It's just the pitch of the voice, and the cadence of the lines, and I can't match it up to anything real. I'm sure it's in one of the kid movies I've half watched a million times with El - something that I never really paid attention to the dialogue, but now it's stuck circling in there, along with all the ifs and fears and cravings to run...

I'm not sleeping enough. I know it's true, but I can't make myself go to bed. I wake up feeling like crap, I have little appetite, I'm a bit aimless. But at the same time, I've been productive, working at the studio and in the yard. I don't want to call it depression, because I care deeply about all the things I should care about, and I'm not shutting down, but I'm not thriving, either...

Bah.

It's just a mess, my head. A big spinning mess.