A little down...

Some days are better, some days are more, well, like today. Despite having a lovely time this morning at the Y class (Elliot played and participated and was so darned good) and chatting with my neighbor, and getting some work done for the show, I just can't get my head in a good place.

I miss Karl so much. Part of all the self improvement stuff I've been doing is to make me feel better about dating, but part of dating is miserable, because there's no escaping why I'm out there...

In the past few months I've invested more in myself than I think I ever have in my life. It isn't that I feel some crazy pressure from our patriarchal society that's forcing me to try to be younger or prettier or skinnier to find a mate - it's that I've actually always wanted to take better care of myself, but never really thought I was worth it.

I grew up believing I was not an attractive girl, and no makeup or wardrobe or diet would make any difference, so why put myself through all that? I never "let myself go" as they say, but I just didn't put any real thought into my "image."

And now that I am making an effort, it's so much fun I'm regretting all the time that I didn't. I'm also heartbroken that Karl isn't here to see me, not looking better, but feeling better about the way I look. I wish I could share this with him, and the irony is if he hadn't died, I might never have gained the confidence I have now, and might still be afraid to go to the salon with a picture of a beautiful blond and say, "make me look like that."

So I'm learning. Nobody's going to laugh at me because my eyeliner is in the wrong place, or my nails are the wrong color for my dress, or my shoes.... well, ok. They may laugh at my shoes. But if they do, screw 'em. I'm doing the best I can, trying to be the best me possible, and I think I'm doing a damn fine job of it.

Today, tho, all that good stuff just makes me miss him more, for wanting him to be here to love me.