Why is it so much easier for us to believe in what we fear than in what we hope? I wonder if it's because we fear so many more things - cancer, planes crashing, mean people, financial woes, fires, criminals... there's constantly something that could go wrong, and we're so busy trying to keep it all at bay, maybe we don't hope enough.
It just seems sad - is it really true that bad things are more likely to happen than good things, or are we just more aware of them? I wonder if we consciously attempted to put as much energy into small positives (finding a dollar?) as small annoyances (being cut off in traffic?) would we be better people - or at least happier?
For a while now I've focused on not letting myself drift off into waking nightmare thoughts, and instead only allowing happiness in my daydreaming. For instance, if I start to worry what would happen to Elliot if I died, I stop myself. I know he would be cared for, loved, and stable, and have done my best to make sure he has a good foundation. So instead, I force myself to think about where he'll want to go to college, and how much I'll annoy him by visiting every month and insisting that he introduce me to his friends.
Visualize Whirled Peas, and all that.
I guess I'm mostly hung up on it tonight because I was being positive, and decided to venture out in the world, and got all girled up, then realized that the event I planned to go to was actually tomorrow. Embarrassing, and a let down, and I couldn't get in touch with anybody to make last minute plans. So I stayed in and played on the computer, and felt a little lonely in my big house, well, alone.
And well, here I am, contemplating life. Yep. And trying to find Happy. And Hope.
Bah.
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