I did something yesterday

It was not a funny thing, but while I was doing it, I kept hearing Karl laughing. I miss that sound, and it was good to be surrounded by it, if only in my head.

Maybe, if all goes well, I'll tell you about it later.

Spend more, save more? Not really.

I used to tease Karl because he always tended to buy the suggested quantities of things that were on sale. If Schnuck's was running 10 for 10, guess how many items would be in our cart? He'd remind me that by buying more, we were saving more, and I'd reming him that we didn't need 10 jars of minced garlic.

That's really nothing to do with my shopping trip today, other than the fact that I did buy things because they were on sale, and I did have about 100 tiny heartbreaks browsing the racks in the kids department, just like I always do.

You'd think they wouldn't get me, what with them not saying Karl-esque things like "little professor" or "pure genius" or "Can I have a G&T in my sippy?"

But really anything with Daddy on it, well, gets me right in the gut. Even crap like this:

Eventually they outgrow the shirts, but I doubt I'll ever stop hating that I can't stand to buy him one.

Live more, Document less.

It's not that I mean to live by that philosophy, but lately I seem to be doing more, but taking fewer photos and writing fewer entries about all our fun. Maybe I'm finally sure I have nothing to prove to anybody, or perhaps I'm just getting lazy, but the pressing need to document every moment has been sliding.

Today we went to MOBOT, and had a lovely time. I didn't bring a camera, and the few shots I took on the phone really don't serve to do anything but say "we were there."

So I'll just say there are interesting things afoot that I may never tell you about, and we are having as much fun as we can while we have time to have it. I'll let you know if anything is earth shattering, but then, i suspect you'll notice if the earth shatters, and won't likely be running to my blog for details.

cheers.

Nearly Three Years

Here it is August again.

I haven't been sleeping well. Two nights ago I dreamed Karl kept coming back to life, only to die again. It was funeral after funeral, but we kept having them in different places - you know - to keep it fresh. Or something. We were maybe in south america for one, and the locals figured us for tourists and kept trying to sell us really cheap shoes.

Last night it was a road trip with El, and there was a roadside park in a little town, and a music festival starting. We pulled in and waited for things to start, and he fell asleep on a bench. I wondered a few feet away, then fell asleep against a tree. When I awoke there were people and cars everywhere, and I couldn't find El. Everybody just looked at me like I was crazy as I frantically searched for him. The police wouldn't answer the phone, and the information center for the fair, located in a funhouse type building on a strange hill, admitted they had found a blond headed kid, but since I had no proof he was mine, they were in no hurry to get him to me. "If the police said he was yours, sure, we'd hand him over..." Eventually they returned him, but not before some strange talk about cloning...

12 days till the anniversary, and my mind is clearly stressed. I haven't felt rested since returning from the trip up north, and I can't help but worry about the next two weeks.

Why yes, it has been a while!

We're doing well.

Summers are always hectic, and this one has been no different. We've traveled, we've worked, we've played - the usual, really. Facebook has made me lazy about the blog tho - it's so easy to post a quick pic or blurb that I keep tel

ling myself I'll expand on later, but later doesn't happen.

Highlights of the last 3 months -

Planting stuff in the yard
Alpaca Shearing Day

Big Storm felling tree by Mom's house

Visiting Matt and Vanessa

Steam Train visit by UP 844

Riding Miniature Train in Wildwood

Arkansas - Diamond Mine, Clinton Museum, Family Fun

Circus Flora

Four Square at Third Degree

Florida - Meeting Rory!

Falling down stairs (ROUS)

Finishing first glass trains

Wisconsin - H&D Farm & Uncle Phil's

Steam Train Ride - Lumberjack Express

Giving up on Garden

Finishing Taj Mahal

Block Party

Other TBA stuff...

So it isn't for lack of material that I haven't written, but more a lack of time.

I have learned something tho:

B-B-B Bee!

On our way to school yesterday, I gave Elliot a book to look at in the car. He sat in the back seat pointing to pictures and naming them, then, looked thoughtfully at the book.

"B - B - B - Book." he said. Then "B - B - B - Bee!"

This is the first time he's actually figured out a letter phonetically, so I was pretty excited. "Yes!" I said. "Book starts with 'b'. B - O - O - K. Book."

He looked at me skeptically. "No. That's not enough 'o's." he said, very seriously.

"Oh. Should it be B - O - O - O - O - O - O - O - O - K?" I asked.

He grinned as I said "Booooooooook?"

"Yeah." he said. "That's right."

We are not who we were...

Tonight I went to see Matt Logelin at his book signing. I've been following his blog since shortly after Karl died, and have always admired his strength and generosity.

I have to say, my less than positive experiences (which I'm certain now are oversight, not ill intent) with the shawl are behind me, and I'm sold.

Matt dresses his daughter beautifully. No, she wasn't there tonight, but I point it out only to say that perhaps, one day, she will return the favor. That or not let him drop her off within 10 blocks of school... Karl would have loved Matt's thrift store fashion sensibility, and it is clearly a point of pride for the 'wouldn't be' author.

He read the forward, then one of my favorite chapters from the book - in which he explains why he dresses Maddy the way he does. As I listened and watched, I wondered about who he was before. During the talk, and afterwards at the 'groupie' dinner I invited myself along to, I felt a definite affinity - here was someone reshaped at the same forge, by the same hammers, that I had been stricken by. I don't know if the transition from who I was to who I am was instant or is still ongoing, but I sensed in Matt a man transformed as well.

Matt seems to have a stability, buoyancy, confidence, and flexibility that weren't necessarily born in him, but instead hammered in, and I like to think the same characteristics might be seen in myself. Before I lost Karl, I was not the person I am now, and neither, I imagine, was Matt before Liz.

It must be the cruelest kind of self improvement ever.

Under this kind of pressure, I think, one can break or stand taller. It is impossible to face such loss without changing. The audience that came to see Matt speak had clearly experienced their share of grief, and I felt lucky to be part of their lives, if only in passing. People shared selflessly and hopefully their own stories of loss, and love, with no agenda except lifting those around them.

Here's to the irons who straighten their backs, and keep holding up the world...